If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
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me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
necessity is the mother of invention
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”