@JermHimselfish: If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it's horn in my mouth.
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@simoncholland: [Car dealership] Me: *taps glove box* How 'bout this one? Salesman: Sir, we've been over this, I don't know how many McNuggets it will hold.
@amydillon: OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food. MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
@JasonLastname: How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend's dad for the first time?