If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
You Might Also Like
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.