If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
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A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
こいつ天才
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!