If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
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the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
My brain is a bad influence on me
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.