if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
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*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Seems kinda suspicious
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Seek kebab; not attention
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”