if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
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That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Lol.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.