If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
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I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S