@Schmoodles: If I ever have a heart attack, I'm deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.
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@SondraDeeMe: [job interview] What experience do you have plucking chickens? Me: See all those hairs on my chin? No. Me: Exactly.
@djdarrellripley: Her: Isn't she your girlfriend? Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn't checked her voice mail yet...
@iamch0pper: if you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "in jesus name amen"
@BuckyIsotope: Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing "The Real Slim Shady" over and over.