@Schmoodles: If I ever have a heart attack, I'm deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.
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@HausOfAustin: Apple CEO announces he's gay. Samsung CEO announces he's more gay and water resistant.
@Smartassylassy: I've just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles... My next shit could spell disaster!
@causticbob: "Must you lick the knife?" "Sorry,force of habit" I said "Loads of people do it though, don't they?" "Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor"
@singwithTaffy: I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous