Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
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Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.