@Schmoodles: If I ever have a heart attack, I'm deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.
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@SortaBad: I'm sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
@iamspacegirl: hello I cannot come to work today I'm thinking about sad ghost pigeons slowly sinking down through the statues they loved to sit on in life.
@LackOfShame: I've never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
@pixelatedboat: "I'm the world champion of hearing," I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw