nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
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Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Liquor Store Parking
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?