@timdonakowski: If I ever meet someone who's been in a coma since 2004, I'm trying to sell them a USB drive for $150.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@OfficialMizGin: Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day. Me: How many more until you get a personality?
@joeldanger: Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there's no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
@Aspersioncast: So what do you pack for the end of the world? I'm thinking lots of toilet paper, oh and guns to protect my toilet paper.
@Pro_Jones_: Boss: I've been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise *everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*