Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
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A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Geez man, take it easy.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store