@funnybeachgirl: If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
"What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?"
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@krisv_723: I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
@mrbenwexler: Q: Name your favorite foreign leader. GARY JOHNSON: Nice trick question, Chris- they all already HAVE names!
@UncleDuke1969: "Wow, it's pouring out there." "Just let a smile be your umbrella!" "That's not how rain works, Karen."
@primawesome: It's uncool to be religious. It's uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It's the only way to be safe.
@UncleDuke1969: [reptile house] Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake? Wife: Sure! Me: Oh, so it's okay when HE asks?!?
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