If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
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I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.