Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
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I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.