me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
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Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I have so many questions.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.