*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
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My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
was Jim off killing horses or…
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.