@Douchekevin: If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I'd totally be expecting some change back.
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@noogscorner: Cop: License and registration please. Me: Give me a second, I'm drunk. Cop: Sir, have you been drinking? Me: No.
@MattMcElaney: Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it's not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: "It's very expensive." - Chipotle employee "Look, I got money to spend in here." - Julia Roberts Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
@texasstalkermom: How many beer trucks can you "accidentally" run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?