experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
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impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting