if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
You Might Also Like
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
hey, alexa
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.