if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
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finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Okay me first
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means