[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
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The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
i think we should see other cousins
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Y’all know who you are.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
We all have our pet causes.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.