@laurenmacdonald: If I give my dog a toy that doesn't make an unbearably annoying noise she looks at me like I have no clue how to do anything right in life.
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@daemonic3: Mr. Trump, who's your Secretary of State? TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
@tackie_jackie: Just gave my husband a 3 dozen box of condoms. He laughed and called it a life time supply. I laughed and called him optimistic.
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: I could care less! Me: How much less could you care? Coworker: I don't get it. Me: I noticed.