Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
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I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there