If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
You Might Also Like
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles