If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
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is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Breaking news:
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to