If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.