If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
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Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?