If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
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Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting