This has made my week.
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Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?