If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
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7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
My dating profile:
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Today’s Times
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.