Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
i meant to share this earlier
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
For the ones in the back.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system