has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
What an awful time to have common sense.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
True.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE