After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
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[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit