Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
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accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.