No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
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I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what