*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
A little too much information.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!