*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
You Might Also Like
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.