Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
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You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Me, in DM rooms…
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
My guardian angel deserves a raise
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal