If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
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This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door