If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
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Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
peak technology
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd