If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
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You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”