My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
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The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
“you recording!?”
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.