Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
You Might Also Like
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar