If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
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As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Basically.