If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
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If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?