If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
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So true for me
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!