If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
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Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.