If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
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corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I feel it
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together