[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
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Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Cake safety first. Always.
Haha! 😂
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok