If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
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Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
LOL!
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff