If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
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[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Love this one 😂🧟
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife