If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
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Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!