If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
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Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
meanwhile over on facebook