A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
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OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face