If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
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friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
bout dat hot dog summer
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
sleeping beauty
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud