@dreamthievin: If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I'm going out for tacos
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@Brianhopecomedy: My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
@69hunna: How to sex: Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button Girl: sure Girl: that's not my belly button Boy: that's not my finger
@OtherDanOBrien: [2 toads chillin'] Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you'll get high. "Whaaaat, that's genius." We gon’ get mad licked, son.
@slaughthie: Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I'm crying alone in parking lots.