If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
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That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”