@Stabby_smurf: If I have written a tweet similar to yours, I apologize for your lack of depth and vision.
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@MarfSalvador: [woken up by barking] wife: oh god it's an intruder! me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it's definitely a dog
@Lisa_Laughs_: Detective: Where were you on the night- Me: Twitter Detective: Between the hour- Me: Twitter Detective: I wasn't fini- Me: Twitter
@pahtch: all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.
@FunkyFresh_79: Operator: 911 what's your emergency? Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I'M NOT EVEN IN THEM!