Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
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Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*