@Stabby_smurf: If I have written a tweet similar to yours, I apologize for your lack of depth and vision.
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@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: You put "summoning demons" as a special skill? ME: That's right. INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
@QwertyJones3: Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
@pleatedjeans: [filling out birth certificate] Me: we're naming him Greg Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes "Grork"]
@GroperCleveland: MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.