If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
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WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.